Got a letter from Grandma the other day.
She writes...The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Three guys - a Tasmanian, a New South Welshman & a Queenslander are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a gentle rub a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.
The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Queenslander was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Queensland so that we can run our own State how we feel, just as Joh wanted, and no boofhead south of the border can tell us what to do in our State. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was an huge wall around his beloved Queensland.
The New South Welshman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The New South Welshman says, "Fill it up with water."
This has got to be the all-time classic comeback. This is a transcript of a recent US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a boy scout troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, .... we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
What job ads *really* mean:
We remain competitive by paying you less than our
"Join our fast-paced company"
We have no time to train you.
"Casual work atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a
couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"Some overtime required"
Some every night and some every weekend.
"Duties will vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an eye for detail"
We have no quality assurance.
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"Apply in person"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told that the position
has been filled.
"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.
"Problem-solving skills a must"
You're walking into perpetual chaos.
"Requires team leadership skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
pay or respect.
"Good communication skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
want and do it.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN IN A POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She's a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.
She doesn't GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN IN A POLITICALLY CORRECT WAY
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT