12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.
11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!
10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes Paul's E-Mail To: email@example.com
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40
years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home - we've moved.
About your father - he has a lovely job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetry.
There was a washing machine at the new house when we moved in, but it hasn't been working too well. Last week I put in 14 shirts, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen them since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning, but I haven't found oput whether it's a boy or girl, so I don't know if you're an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him, but he fought them off bravely. They cremated the body and it took three days to put the fire out.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it off him.
It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of
the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days - up she comes.
Your loving mother.
P.S. I was going to put in ten dollars but I have already sealed the envelope.
Tales From The Office
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper,"
she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A Run In With a Train
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown to the side of the tracks, suffering some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
I am going to the bathroom
Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's
room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
This guy was coming home from the bar and he was going a little too fast and he had just a little to drink so then all of a sudden he see's flashing blue lights. So he starts to go faster 70, 80, 90, 100, 110 but his car wouldn't go any faster so the guy pulls over and the officer comes over.
The officer said "I have had a really bad night so you better have a real good excuse."
So the guy thinks of an excuse, and the guy says "Well my wife ran away with a Police officer and when I saw Blue lights behind me I thought you were chasing me to give her back."
A guy walks into a bar and ordered a martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the man started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what the man had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the man, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
The State of our Government
John Howard goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says to John:
Well John, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.
"How do you know?" asks John.
"Oh well, it's simple",says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".
He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?".
"Ah, that's simple Mr.President", says Madeleine, "it is me!".
"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and John Howard is very impressed.
John Howard returns to Canberra and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Tim Fisher and says:
"Tim, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?".
Tim thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further John? May I let you know tomorrow?".
"Of course," says Howard, "you've got 24 hours."
Tim Fisher goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Tim is very worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go.
Eventually Tim Fisher says "I'll ask Peter Costello, he's clever, he'll know the answer."
He calls Costello.
"Peter," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Very simple", says Peter, "it's me!"
"Of course" says Tim and rings John Howard.
"John", says Tim, "I've got the answer: it's Peter Costello".
"No you idiot", says Howard, "it's Madeleine Albright".
FORD AND ADAM
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
So, Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang with Adam, the first man."
So, the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.
When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of the woman?"
Adam says yes.
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much.
4. And the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm...", says Adam, "hold on."
So Adam goes to the celestial super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a clip of paper and Adam reads it. He then says to Henry Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but
according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."