MORE HUMOUR FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do,
but rarely what you want it to do.
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it happen.
~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.
~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't
Excuses For Calling in Sick
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is -- accordingly, I will be in late or early.
4. I can't come into work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not
showing up for work. Okay?
5. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
6. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorderand, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
7. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
8. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my
employee records may now contain false information.
9. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
10. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
11. I prefer to remain an enigma. Or is it "enema"?
12. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin and drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
NAME: Greg B
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
Scorpio with Libra rising.
A group of men were given the assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures-the whole thing is just a mess. A woman comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the men, and walks away.
After the woman has gone, one man turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like a woman? We're looking for the height and she gives us the length."
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Updated June 2004